


Colourless

by ur_not_JPad



Category: Amazing Phil, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, dan x phil - Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst and Romance, Drama, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 01:32:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6495538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ur_not_JPad/pseuds/ur_not_JPad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell lived a life without purpose. Phil tries to help Dan quit smoking. A cigarette addiction was only the beginning to unravel the life of colour that he dreamed of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colourless

Chapter 1

 

It felt like the penetration of a bullet into the skin. The shock of the hit, being thrusted backwards in a slow motion, all in a state of tumult. And without any warning, the opaque shot of pain. Unsure of where exactly it was, but he felt it everywhere. Might have well been a thousand bullets, he was sure he was dead. Though his blood was clear as ice, and they trickled down his face. These bullets were not made of copper, the act of salvo was shooting straight out of her mouth. He couldn’t comprehend this, it was a lie. Everything he ever knew was a dream.

_“Don’t go!” He pleaded._

_“ I have to,”_

Everything ever since, has been dull.

******

“The only thing I’m living for is this cigarette,” exhaling with bliss, I lay onto the grass. My beloved is in-between my fingers, and I’m staring into the sky. This was the moment I waited for every day, that time between night and day. When the sky would be a dewy purple and the breeze is cold. When I am alone, burning out my paycheque in peace. In this moment, I was okay. It just wasn’t as vibrant as I remember. I wish the leaves were pink, I wish I wasn’t blind the the colours.  
Everything in my world was grey, there was no shine in my eyes and my skin was pale. A pale that wasn’t quite genetic’s fault. I was skinny, I hated it. My hair was this awful dull brown, and I looked like a bruise. I was a walking corpse.  
My phone wouldn’t shut up, all I wanted to do was breathe. I knew he didn’t care, Dad was just too cold to call me himself. He was always the golden child, letting me rot wouldn’t exactly live up to expectations.

_Answer the phone, god dammit_

I guess he isn’t screwed up like me because he was too young to remember.

_“Don’t go!”_

My eyes flutter open, I’m not six years old anymore.

I never notice when my arms begin to twitch, I find it hard to place my cigarette between my discoloured lips. It was all worth it, wasn’t it? Every moment I suffered at Tesco would reward me with these five minutes. I owed my sanity to this twenty pack of Viceroys.  
Working a job seems pointless and worst of all, endless. It’s a terrible feeling to know that your life will end at such a terrible place. It’s hard for a person like me, who does not believe that the next fifty years of his life will ever surface, to work. All of that was just a mere delusion of my family. I hated lying to my grandmother about the wedding that would never happen, or the talks of taking on law with my father. I already knew that would never come along, but they didn’t. They would be happier that way. After all, the truth hurts more than a lie or two.  
I got disgusted looks from preteens and children passing by, as I am shaking my foot with ignorance and a fag in my mouth. I was ready for one of them to turn on powerpoint and tell me all the dangerous effects of nicotine.

_“You know, smoking cigarettes really helped me when my grandmother died.” She said to me. In this dream, all I could see were her rosey lips. The rest of her face disappeared in a memory._

_“I’ve never smoked before,” I felt scared, but I trusted her. I was fifteen, of course I was aware about the negative propaganda that surrounded it, “but I want this to go away forever.”_

_She grinned, grabbing a blue package out of her backpack,“then try this.”_

It helped, a lot. I knew it was terrible for me, and maybe she knew that too. We never seemed to care about that kind of stuff. When faced with death, we both embraced it.

_Dan, you forgot your cheque again- Lou_

Oh well,

_I’ll pick it up tomo_

I threw my phone to the side, following along with it. I watched the bud burn out and I waited. I wasn’t quite sure what I was waiting for, maybe I was just hoping for some kind of purpose. I must have been laying there for hours, as security nudged me awake, telling me that I couldn’t sleep here and to check out the homeless shelter down the street. I ignored him and walked in the opposite direction, unsure of where to go.  
I don’t remember the last time I went home. It felt broken, even though it was just me and little Sans. He didn’t deserve the pain of having an owner like me. PJ cares for him more than I am capable of, and all he does is feed him. I should probably call him back before he gets sick of my shit and let’s Sans die. It’s a common trend of people in my life.  
My brother thought that getting a cat would help it all. He said, “Here, this is Jerry. He was abandoned too, he needs someone to take care of him.” The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “ what kind of cat is named fucking Jerry,” and then I remember sitting with my mother as a child and watching her favourite cartoon about that cat and mouse. He left with his girlfriend no less than five minutes into the visit. As soon as things get heavy, he tends to dupe out right away. He was young, of course he was cold about it. I had the memories vividly stored and they never failed to haunt me.

McDonalds was closed and I was starving. The roads were empty, and there was a classical themed restaurant opened so I thought why not just lay on the road and listen to the music. It was Ballade No.1 Opus 23 in G minor. Something she used to play a lot while we were together. I didn’t know why this restaurant still has their pianist playing, it seemed empty from the inside. I was thankful though, some kind of comfort at least. I was shaking again. I pulled out my lighter and made the night seem softer. The road was cold, but it was more comforting than the suffocating heat of my bed.

“Sir, we’d appreciate if you would please put out that cigarette.” I was standing up right, I don't remember getting up. I was inside the restaurant, facing a man with a strange moustache. “We don’t allow any sort of smoking on our property.”  
“Right I’m sorry,” I stepped out, thinking twice before going back in. The man with the funny moustache shot me a strange look.  
“Do you need a table?” I was choking on my words, the piano kept me compelled. I just nodded, and he lead me to a table.

The pianist was playing just across from me. I knew him, Jeremy Sato. He went to my high school, part of the anime club. I never thought I’d see him ever again. His eyes were closed as he pressed the keys, as if they were feathers. It looked effortless, though I couldn’t even keep up with the pace of his finger tips.  
My soup came only to interrupt my mesmerization. I didn’t really want it anymore. He finished off strong, despite not having a violinist to accompany him. I envied his solitude.

“Dan Howell. Wow, you’re the last person I thought I’d see here.” I was startled, realizing then that he was no longer at the piano. He sat in front of me, and thus the irksome small talk begun.

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to stop here either.”

“Just enjoying the music then?” I nodded. “You know, I was inspired to learn that piece after hearing in it in this amazing anime, I highly recommend it. Are you still into anime? I find that a lot of people tone down their obsessions after high school, or they just forget about it.” He asked me. I didn’t really know what to say. It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t like anime, I just didn’t have the luxury of watching it anymore. How was I suppose to pay for these overpriced subscriptions if I can’t even pay back my credit bills or worse, my rent. Hell, I have to give up internet some months.

“Uh no,” I lied. “It was hard to keep up, with uni and everything. So, I just gave up.”

“That’s sad to hear. It seems like I'm the only twenty-four-year-old that still watches it.” I nodded my head in agreement, twiddling with my fingers, unsure of what to say. “So, how’s uni going then?”

It felt like running into a brick wall. Those five words, it never failed to kill me a little. The fact is, the was no uni to even talk about. There was no campus, no classes to attend, no exams to write, no degree. Explaining why you dropped out of university isn’t exactly the conversation starter at small run-ins.  
“It’s good. How’s the music?” I changed the subject swiftly. He shrugged, I was already aware of how hard a career in the arts could be.

“Being talented is the minimal requirement in this business. I was already a prodigy but you need the charisma too. I was trying to go into the whole ‘collaborative pianist’ field but playing solo is where my heart belongs. I was lucky enough to get this job. You know, Bella would’ve been perfect for this whole musicians path. It’s too bad that-”

Bella.

I haven’t heard that name in ages, and yet the loud ringing in my head is still present every time I do.

Bella.

I feel all the colours inside me twist and turn, ripping me apart.

Bella, Bella, Bella.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry. It slipped my mind- I forgot. Fuck- Why would I say that.” My breathing pace seemed to fall shorter and faster. Bella, Bella, Bella, why are you taking away my colours. “Dan, are you okay?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah I’m okay.” I took a gulp of water, continuing to sip every time I felt the urge to break down.

“Hey, I get it,” he put his hand on my shoulder in sign of support, “Loosing someone like that is terrible.”

“Like how?” I ask him with bewilderment. He seemed uncomfortable.

“I mean like, having someone you love take their own life.” The room seemed to zoom in and out of dizziness, like the twists of a hypnosis illusion. What lies were coming out of his mouth? She was still real, just without me. She said she would come back, she promised. How have I been able to exist like this?

_“I’ll come back to you, I promise.”_

_“Don’t lie to me, please.”_

_“I’m not a liar Dan.”_

_“Everyone I know is a liar.”_

_“You’ll be okay.”_

All I can see is silk. Ash brown hair is swaying everywhere, more beautifully than the trees. I can see the moon, she’s bright. I felt so much at home. The heaven that was laced in-between the contact of skin, it was indescribable. The touch of the hand, being intertwined together. I was surely dreaming. I was lost, literally and metaphorically. She was my reverie.

_“I’ll never leave you, Dan.” She says into the grass._

_“Promise?”_

Everything faded into a nightmare. Surrounded by somber, I felt dead. The plain red table cloths seemed to burn my eyes. I couldn’t breathe anymore, the tightness in my chest was beyond bearability. I was twitching again.

“Sh-she’s dead?” I trembled.

“I thought you knew Dan, I swear I-” It was too late.

“I have to go.” By then I was already out the door.

I could just cry right now, I am out of breath, I am running. When did I start running? When did I start crying? I can’t even comprehend the reality I am living, what era is this? Is this the day I chased my mother? Or it is the night I ran with her, covered in dirt and silk. It’s all so much, everything in my life. All I know is that I can’t breathe. And being out of it is something I’ve felt a lot in my life.  
But this, this was a new kind of pain. It was something that could never be fixed, something that could never be mine again. I just kept running, following the stars. I wanted to see the moon again. There was blackness and trees, two things I was terrified of, but it didn’t matter to me. There was nothing I was more afraid of than the tragedies that spilt. I collapsed.

Laying there in the dirt, I couldn’t feel my face. My chest was so tight, I just wanted it to be over. The moon was dull behind a translucent cloud, mocking me in every way.

“Why would you do this!? Why would you take everything I’ve ever loved? Just kill me please.” I sob into my hands, “ Just please, kill me.” My breath shortens, and I just hope each would be my last. All the pain I’ve endured, it wasn’t worth it. My life was always meant to end short. There was no happiness for me, that died with me in 2008. This is not what my life was suppose to be like. In another dimension, she was with me, she was alive and I would be happy. Thats the life I belong in.

“Just kill me,” I close my eyes, wanting this to be my last cigarette.

I felt peace. My body was still, I was inhaling deeply, the sent of the water flowing, the trees swaying, all I needed was the silk. I was ready to go. I heard the muffled footsteps, and I wanted to see the purple material floating in the wind. I flutter my eyes open.

“Heaven?”

I saw a figure, blocking the now transparent moon and out-shining it in every way. How was it possible to glow brighter with black hair?

“Who’s there?” I call out to it in an obvious daze.

I could feel him smiling, something about the way the ground felt when he moved. He crouched down to my level.

“Who did it?”

“What?”

“Who broke your heart?”


End file.
